I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
