So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
