I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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