she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
