He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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