Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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