Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
