I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
