wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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