I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize