i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Randomize
