Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
