Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
