Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
