you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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