Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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