I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
