Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
