My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
