I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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