I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
