just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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