I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
