my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
