Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
