tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
