i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
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