My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
