She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
