I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
