there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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