There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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