The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.