I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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