Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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