Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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