Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
