you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I am available for nakedness
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
