It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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