She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
