I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
