Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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