Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
