I can tuck mytits in my pants
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
