I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
