Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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