I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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