oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
