Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She told me I should be a condom model.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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