Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
