I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
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In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
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We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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