made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
