i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
