I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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