Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
