I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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