I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
