she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
