I murdered the dance floor call the cops
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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