Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
