Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
